---apple addict---

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Emo

Don't be so emo lah!

The word "emo" seems to get quite a bit of negative connotation. So before continue reading I would like you to have an open mind first... Ready?


Ok. Here we go.


Recently I have been struggling with myself and my "emo" ness. I have never been an emo person. Emo is something you will not think of labeling me. My friends have known me always as a very stable person, analyser, have-it-all-together person, mentally-organised.

Not until lately. I have been quite a tap. T_T

Don't know if it is the drugs, or a dramatic journey, sometimes I look at myself and wonder do I know you? But I don't want to spend time in analysing why now. Because I have understood something, which I want to share with you now. It is far more valuable than the genesis of my emo.


For years, I have always wanted to be a missionary. I look up to Heidi Baker, Mother Theresa, George Muller. These are the people I would like to become one day.

The first time I heard Heidi Baker, I was amazed at this lady. My heart was burning with such desire to have what she had. Such zeal to serve and she is crazy, she is mad! I want to be madly in love to do what she does.

So she left, so did my passion. Not that I did not have the desire anymore. But the coal was left to cool.

Then Heidi came for the second time.. Before going for her meetings, I was telling myself, there is no use for me to listen to her. I will listen and still stay at this state.

True enough, I was inspired for a moment. And when she was gone, I found myself back into my little routines. Not that I despised the things I did. I am not saying that. I just find myself dying inside with my dreams shriveled up inside.

I wonder how many of you can identify with me? You ask God, Lord make me like Heidi, make me like Muller, send me out like Mother Theresa. But many years down the road, nothing much has changed.

I used to ask God again and again, Lord, you really gotta teach me how to become like Heidi. Some people try to tell me, it is ok, do what you are called to do. But I know there is a desire deep inside that screams, there is gotta be more than this. But you see your heart won't lie. If it is on fire, it will burn. I just did not have the fire like Heidi to do these crazy stuff for God.

So, you may ask why am I talking about Heidi and emo? What's the link?

I think I am having a glimpse of the answer for the quest I have been on. I finally see some light here.

I was reading a book "Holy Discontent" by Bill Hybels and he was talking about rage. He asked this question, "When is the last time you saw a physical beating?" Not like in hollywood scene. But real one. It really got me thinking. Hollywood has made abuse, murder, weapons look so normal, that we forget how terribly real and wrong they are. If there was news about suicide bombing, we are concerned about how "MANY" died. Victims are just numbers now. If there was news about murder, we will ask "HOW"? We forget the reality of pain involved.

Have we lost the ability to feel?

I finally understood the reason for my suffering. I needed to feel again.

When I was in the midst of my sickness, people were telling me, give thanks, praise Him. Can I be honest to tell you that there were times, when I couldn't do that? There were moments when I cried. There were moments when I was fuming mad! There were moments I feared. I wasn't the hero people said I was. But I was glad I was true to myself and my feelings. God was trying to show me something. To teach me how it was like to feel, to pain.

When is the last time you were FUMING MAD at something?

No, no. As Christians we should be patient. No, no. You are being controlled by flesh. Chill. Pray. Calm down.

May I suggest to you that unless you are able to feel MAD about a cause, you can never be mad enough to do something about it.

Now that is the link.

Heidi had to learn from the poor. God sat her down with the poor. I believe she experienced so much pain, that it became her driving force for her to say "enough is enough, I'm going to alleviate pain".

That is Holy Discontent.

Not feeling fury and mad at something for nothing. But for a cause.

Being mad at things because you know they can be better, they are not in God's order..

Being mad why are kids not in school. Being mad why are there prostitution around. Being mad why some are so poor they can't afford health care.

If you are incapable of being mad, something is wrong. Pray that God will make you mad. You need a sharpener for your senses.

Now if you have gone through a season of pain, learn to harvest the pain, for His glory.

I am beginning to understand, why I needed to learn what pain really is.

May God grant me increasing Holy Discontent.

by apple-addict at 1:17 PM |