Hi. I am appleaddict. Loved by my Maker. Valued by Him more than I know. I am the apple of His eyes. So are you! :) I thank Him for creating me and giving me chance living on this Earth, be who I am. With His love, I will treasure life and live to make a difference before I leave this place, to finally see my Maker.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Acceptance and patience
So this is a new chapter of my life. New blood, new journey, no strings attached, happier.
I did 8 cycles of chemotherapy and right after I did not have the right preparation of my heart to allow a slow progress for my health. All things were done in a rush, because of a certain expectation, wanting to be well for certain people, wanting to be back in normal life so bad to walk the path everyone is expected to take.
Then it struck me again. Relapse.
It was until I made a major turn in my life that I realised that I wasn't treating myself right. I wanted to follow a certain expectation, a certain path. It was until that major turn that I finally feel so free. No strings attached. Now I am just focused on getting well. I can take all the time that I want. I don't have to worry about getting ugly or fat, I just need to give myself time and love myself more.
I keep telling people, the thing I need now is to be patient with my recovery. That is acceptance of your situation and circumstance. I tell myself, think about the worst situation, maybe 5-6 months of uncertainties, frequent doctor's visit, I still have to be patient. Glad that I don't have any schedule to follow. Having this mindset is very liberating.
I wish someone could have told me earlier about what to expect after chemo. Then perhaps I would have the right preparation of my heart. Everyone seems to wish every sick person "get well soon". Yet we forget the importance of getting well patiently.
All in all, thank You God for liberating me and preserving me, though I was impatient and I was disillusioned and ungrateful. Yet you opened my eyes and showed me Your grace and amazing ways!
Too all who are recovering from cancer, stay positive and stay patient!
There's a comfort in this darkness
A familiar road
although i know that you are no good for me
you're a false alibi
you hypnotize and you keep tempting me
to throw away eternity
time to wake-up and shake-up
you've kept me right under your spell for too long
your promise is empty
go dig your claws in somebody else
'cause it won't be me
CHORUS
i'm leaving
leaving this path behind
don't need your sympathy
i'm leaving
don't try to change my mind
it's a new day
a new way
change is never easy enough
but i'm not giving up
i'm growing and i'm sowing
seeds of life beyond this shell
i'm going to be free
breakout from this cell
shake my faith
you're never going to break me
take my strength
you're never going to make me
turn my back away from the truth
i won't play your games
i'm nobody's fool
i'm leaving
leaving this path behind
don't need your sympathy
i'm leaving
don't try to change my mind
i'm leaving this path behind
Heidi said stop for the one... Yes indeed. Start it now, or it will never happen.
Found this song by Brandon Heath, "the one". I am really blessed by the lyrics.
"It takes one, takes one, what if I'm the one?"
"When I think of what could be, if we let our hearts believe. That it takes just one, just one could turn this all around."
"If I wait one more minute longer. It's one too many."
The full lyrics:
If I see one more light that's fading
Hear about one more broken dream
Pray for just one more faith that's dying
It's one too many
And if I see one more child walking
Just one more mile for water
If I wait one more minute longer
It's one too many
When I think of what could be
If we let our hearts believe
That it takes just one
Just one could turn this all around
And if we're living history
How will they think of you and me
If it takes just one, just one
What if, what if, what if I'm the one?
It takes one, takes one, one
It takes one, takes one, one
It takes one, takes one
If I hear one more widow crying
'Cause there's no one by her side
And if I see one more family breaking
It's one too many
If there's one thing that I'm sure of
If there's one thing that I know
You could be one in a sea of faces
Or you could be one more chance for hope
When I think of what could be
If we let our hearts believe
That it takes just one
Just one could turn this all around
And if we're living history
How will they think of you and me
If it takes just one, just one
What if, what if, what if I'm the one?
I see a nation without any walls
A beautiful haven for one and for all
I see a day when people are free
When shackles are broken and fall to the street
A voice, a cry, call out from on high
The first one of many, go lay down your life
When I think of what could be
If we let our hearts believe
That it takes just one
Just one could turn this all around
And if we're living history
How will they think of you and me
If it takes just one, just one
What if, what if, what if I'm the one?
It takes one, takes one, one
(What if you're the one)
It takes one, takes one, one
It takes one, takes one
(What if I'm the one)
It takes one, takes one, one
(What if you're the one)
It takes one, takes one, one
It takes one, takes one
There is also another song that I personally love very much! It's by Casting Crowns, "Until the whole world hears"
Your weakness, your strength: Learning to appreciate other's weaknesses
We are fearfully and wonderfully created by God. I wonder if you have ever asked "Wonderful? I hate the way I am. I can't stand myself, how do You stand me God?".
When God is dealing with your character, it is as if you feel so naked. So exposed and you don't really like it because you feel ugly.
Moses was a man who needed God's correction as well. When people talk about Moses, they will often say that Moses did not deal with his anger, that was why he couldn't inherit the promise land. But his anger could have helped him inherit the promised land if it was under God's control.
I have been thinking alot about emotions and passion lately. I believe that you need to have Holy Discontent to ignite the passion to do something for God.
Likewise, Moses had the discontent. He was unhappy with the way things were. In his heart he knew that slavery wasn't right. His people needed to be freed to go to the promised land. It was his anger, or angry nature, that made him say enough is enough.
But he wasn't ready! He needed God to process him further. He was made a humble shepherd boy.
I'm sure Moses felt really bad during the desert time. He must have felt really naked too. He killed someone! Oh what was I thinking??
We need to forget about the past, and move on. We need to recognise that our weakness is also our strength!
If Moses did not have the rage, how could he even have the passion to start to do something big for God? He needed that rage, respond to injustice, to bring his people out of slavery. But his strength was also his weakness. However, he shouldn't beat himself up and ask God to make him the person he is not made to be. Instead he should ask God to help him to lay himself down under His authority.
Without David being overly emotional, do you think we will have the collection of psalms that help us relate to God?
Without Paul's zeal, do you think doctrines could be firmly established?
Recently I have also shared with some of my teacher friends that they are made with a soft touch for a reason. There are times they might feel frustrated over their emotions, but imagine a teacher with iron fist!
Perhaps you have felt hurt before by your leader saying things in the most direct and insensitive way, just think that your leader's nature needed him/her to be that way! Appreciate other's weakness, because it's their strength as well. Anyways we are all work in progress.
Remember learn to embrace who you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, for a reason.
Try not to hold on too much or take pride too much in your weakness too, because they need to be under His control.
The word "emo" seems to get quite a bit of negative connotation. So before continue reading I would like you to have an open mind first... Ready?
Ok. Here we go.
Recently I have been struggling with myself and my "emo" ness. I have never been an emo person. Emo is something you will not think of labeling me. My friends have known me always as a very stable person, analyser, have-it-all-together person, mentally-organised.
Not until lately. I have been quite a tap. T_T
Don't know if it is the drugs, or a dramatic journey, sometimes I look at myself and wonder do I know you? But I don't want to spend time in analysing why now. Because I have understood something, which I want to share with you now. It is far more valuable than the genesis of my emo.
For years, I have always wanted to be a missionary. I look up to Heidi Baker, Mother Theresa, George Muller. These are the people I would like to become one day.
The first time I heard Heidi Baker, I was amazed at this lady. My heart was burning with such desire to have what she had. Such zeal to serve and she is crazy, she is mad! I want to be madly in love to do what she does.
So she left, so did my passion. Not that I did not have the desire anymore. But the coal was left to cool.
Then Heidi came for the second time.. Before going for her meetings, I was telling myself, there is no use for me to listen to her. I will listen and still stay at this state.
True enough, I was inspired for a moment. And when she was gone, I found myself back into my little routines. Not that I despised the things I did. I am not saying that. I just find myself dying inside with my dreams shriveled up inside.
I wonder how many of you can identify with me? You ask God, Lord make me like Heidi, make me like Muller, send me out like Mother Theresa. But many years down the road, nothing much has changed.
I used to ask God again and again, Lord, you really gotta teach me how to become like Heidi. Some people try to tell me, it is ok, do what you are called to do. But I know there is a desire deep inside that screams, there is gotta be more than this. But you see your heart won't lie. If it is on fire, it will burn. I just did not have the fire like Heidi to do these crazy stuff for God.
So, you may ask why am I talking about Heidi and emo? What's the link?
I think I am having a glimpse of the answer for the quest I have been on. I finally see some light here.
I was reading a book "Holy Discontent" by Bill Hybels and he was talking about rage. He asked this question, "When is the last time you saw a physical beating?" Not like in hollywood scene. But real one. It really got me thinking. Hollywood has made abuse, murder, weapons look so normal, that we forget how terribly real and wrong they are. If there was news about suicide bombing, we are concerned about how "MANY" died. Victims are just numbers now. If there was news about murder, we will ask "HOW"? We forget the reality of pain involved.
Have we lost the ability to feel?
I finally understood the reason for my suffering. I needed to feel again.
When I was in the midst of my sickness, people were telling me, give thanks, praise Him. Can I be honest to tell you that there were times, when I couldn't do that? There were moments when I cried. There were moments when I was fuming mad! There were moments I feared. I wasn't the hero people said I was. But I was glad I was true to myself and my feelings. God was trying to show me something. To teach me how it was like to feel, to pain.
When is the last time you were FUMING MAD at something?
No, no. As Christians we should be patient. No, no. You are being controlled by flesh. Chill. Pray. Calm down.
May I suggest to you that unless you are able to feel MAD about a cause, you can never be mad enough to do something about it.
Now that is the link.
Heidi had to learn from the poor. God sat her down with the poor. I believe she experienced so much pain, that it became her driving force for her to say "enough is enough, I'm going to alleviate pain".
That is Holy Discontent.
Not feeling fury and mad at something for nothing. But for a cause.
Being mad at things because you know they can be better, they are not in God's order..
Being mad why are kids not in school. Being mad why are there prostitution around. Being mad why some are so poor they can't afford health care.
If you are incapable of being mad, something is wrong. Pray that God will make you mad. You need a sharpener for your senses.
Now if you have gone through a season of pain, learn to harvest the pain, for His glory.
I am beginning to understand, why I needed to learn what pain really is.
As human beings, we naturally do not like hurts. We protect ourselves from a lot of things. We even protect our properties!
We buy screen protector for our i-phones. We use sunscreen to protect from sunlight. We use anti-bacterial hand rub to protect ourselves from germs. We shield ourselves from hurt, or we try very hard to.
What I have learnt is that a little hurt can be good. No pain no gain, people always say. If you are not brave enough, to risk for this thrilling ride called Love, then you will not see true love.
What is true love? When love is given at the most unlikely time, unlovely person.
TRUE?
What does God say about love? Patience! Uhuh, how do you practice patience. Long-sufferring. Uhuh, and how do you practice long suffering? Suffer longgggggggggggggg.
I see my sister trying to shield her daughter from harm when she was still a baby. Now she is getting more liberal with her. Allow her try to new things, explore new places. But she will really learn most, when she is exposed, not protected.
Likewise, we can't dream about lovey dovey relationship that will never see hurt. But I will still trade my comforts with the journey. I know it is worth it.
"Well I have to attend a prayer meeting, then at night I gotta attend to some work stuff, then I'll be meeting some friends for soccer." he replied.
My heart was happy with his packed schedule because I'm glad that he could be serving the Lord and spending some quality time with friends. But by the time he reaches home, won't he be feeling too tired? I had wanted to spend some time to talk, uhm but no no, not the left over time for sure! He will be so tired and I wouldn't get full attention, and he wouldn't have the energy to share anything with me. My heart was suddenly filled with slight disappointment. Why am I not in the schedule? Why am I seem to be at the last of the priority list? Or worse, taken off the list?
I understood one precious lesson that day. This relationship has been teaching me precious lessons about the Lord. A glimpse of what the Lord could have felt..
Have I been treating God the same way? Giving Him not my best time, but left over time. Lord I have this and that to do, yes at the end I'll see if I have some time for you. Well, I surely won't say that explicitly, but I have certainly done it many times. That has got to hurt Him badly!
Being in this relationship, there is one more thing I have learnt too. It is the importance of pursuing God. Have you ever thought of why God always ask us to seek Him? Why doesn't He just show Himself to us? Yes, at times He does that. But He would like to be sought after.
Every girl's desire is to be sought after, to feel that she is a treasured prize. Likewise it pleases God when we don't take Him for granted but seek Him. Doesn't it make you happy when you receive something that is totally out of obligation and surprising. You'd be so delighted, surprised, feel appreciated and say "oh you shouldn't have."
I'm talking not about responsibility. But doing something such as an act of service beyond requirements, and you do it because you want to, not need to.
I was pondering to myself, what is romance? No, romance is not a boy picks up a girl at her home and sending her back, that is basic requirement. No, romance is not carrying her shopping bags for her, that is again what a man should automatically do. Romance is something you do that expresses your strong sense of love. It is something extra you would like to do to please him/her. Likewise we could apply that to our relationship with God.
And romance is a biblical thing!
I used to not get it when I sing "romance me oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs..." now I'm beginning to understand it. Doing something extra for God out of our strong desire just to love and appreciate Him. Not doing QT because we need to, but deperately wanting to meet and chat with Him. Or suddenly wanna break out in love songs for God...
Romance God, seek God, chase Him! And it will bring a smile to His face.
When you teach: Lessons learnt from taking care of my niece
So, I have been taking care of my niece lately. I love spending time with her. Kids really need us to spend time with them, though we may be doing the same things over and over again each day.. as simple as just playing with toys (it could be the same toys for a few days), or just singing and doing silly dances around the house.
I recently brought my niece to the safari and I was excited to show her all the animals she has seen in the books and videos, in real life! Safari was a great place, I was amazed myself and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Felt like a kid again..
She said that zebra was horse and that goose was duck. Because we have taught her how a horse and duck look like. We haven't really taught her zebras and goose. And every swimming creatures she saw was fish to her. I had to teach her that dolphins aren't fish. They are mammals. So I had to correct her again and again. "This is not fish, this is dolphin. Dolphin.."
When she finally got it right, I had such a great sense of satisfaction.
It reminded me that in teaching the young, we have to be specific and we have to teach the right things. It takes more effort to undo a wrong teaching. Cos the little ones are absorbent as sponge. They take in everything you say, and they trust that you are telling them the right things.
So lesson #1: Teach pure milk! When you know a new believer, that's what you ought to do. Teach them PURE stuff from the bible. Not your opinion, what you think is right, not your worldview, but what is God's view.
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:1-3
Sometimes, what my niece say catches my attention, and gets me thinking, Oh my! Who taught her that? This morning I caught her saying "No.. Please go away!", in a rather rude tone.
I remember before a mission trip to Surabaya, God gave me a revelation about how a child learns. I didn't have a niece then. I knew nothing about taking care of a baby or toddler. But I had to minister to care-takers in a orphanage. I felt so under equipped. But God in His goodness taught me something. Before I left for the mission trip, I witnessed a girl's interaction with her mom. Her mom works for my family. Her little girl was whiny and rude. I thought to myself, oh my.. why a little girl can be so rude? Then Holy Spirit reminded me that she was only mirroring her mother.
Monkey see, monkey do. That's how kids learn.
Lesson #2:Teach by example. Live your life right. People are observing.
Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Cor 11:1
Not again! What did I tell you??
We often say this to her. There is really great need for patience when teaching a kid. They won't do it right the first time. They will not do it right the second time. No more next time, you tell them. They said, yeah I promise. But the next day they forget what you taught them.
It takes time for a habit to form and it also takes time to remove a habit. So, be patient. As Jesus is patient with you, be patient with others.
Lesson #3: Teach by love, long-suffering love. People deserve a second, third, fourth chance.. 77x7
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:1-2
